"I Am Your Higher Self"
An selfie by the sea. © Maggie Battista 2024
In the last five years of my marriage, I heard many tiny calls from the soul to leave it. My body, however, was terrified of leaving because the cage of my marriage felt like a kind of safety.
I can only see it for what it was—a cage—from a distance, years later.
There were many betrayals that unfolded during my twenty-year relationship. And with each betrayal, I was called back to the betrayals of my childhood.
Each time a betrayal arose, I felt so many wild emotions. And, it also felt comfortable. After all, persisting or staying through conditions that feel unsafe is very familiar to this body, very familiar to this soul.
Betrayal, in fact, felt cozy and like a kind of love.
Now, I’ve explored this enough to call it “healed” and yet, that only means that I’ve soothed it, integrated it, and made my own kind of meaning from it all.
All is allowed. All is well.
But, over the course of my longterm relationship, the real betrayal was committed by me. The real betrayal was staying in a relationship that so clearly was no longer for me.
Now I’ve forgiven myself and yet, the night before Cacao ceremony, I heard a call from my soul to seal this healing by sharing the following story of magic.
In the last five years of my marriage, I had what I considered to be nightmares, probably a couple dozen times.
The nightmares were all the same. I would be in a state of sleep paralysis, that state where the body is between awake and asleep. And in each of these moments, a hand would appear, often from under the bed, to hold me down.
So a hand would appear, often creeping up from the side of my bed, and hold my arm or throat or body down, so that I couldn’t move.
Terrifying.
Sometimes, a dark figure would walk into the room and around my bed. It would get close to me and use its hands to hold me down.
Again, terrifying.
In these dreams, I was generally aware that I was in a dream. And I would push and pull on my body, on my consciousness, exerting a ton of effort to try to wake myself up to avoid the hand and the feeling of restraint or restriction.
I couldn’t predict when these dreams occurred, only that they occurred when I still lived in the same house with my ex-husband.
Once I moved through the process (or the emotional hell) that is divorce, I followed the call to find a tiny home by the sea. After living in that new home for a few months, I noticed that I hadn’t had one of my terrifying dreams.
And, I think the noticing of that—as well as my deep work with my soul and my ancestors—triggered a new dream.
In this new dream, in the early part of the night, I noticed a dark figure in my new bedroom. It walked across the room toward me and sat on my bed next to me. And then it held my hand.
It didn’t hold me down. It simply, tenderly, picked up my hand and held it. I wasn’t at all terrified.
I heard a voice say, “Let me show you.”
And then, I left my bedroom, transported through several dreams or visualizations that were prophecies of what may happen in my life.
This dark figure wished to show me what was going to happen.
Now, all the things I saw were super vivid. I won’t get into all of them here, because I don’t want to spoil anything for you or me (again), but I will share a few prophecies that were offered to me.
In one of the dreams, I was shown the fulfillment of a personal goal. I know I’ll write a memoir—in fact, I am probably writing it with each story to you. But in the dream, I was shown that the memoir would be published.
I remember seeing a scene in which I was being interviewed about my soon to be released memoir. The editor, whose name I was given in the dream, was interviewing me for a certain popular publication (also offered to me).
So, this editor asked me some questions and then let me know she would publish a story about my book. And I remember asking her, “When will the interview come out?”
She said, “Do not worry about the timing. Just know that it’s happening. The timing is not your concern. Let us worry about the timing.”
In another portion of the dream, I was whisked off to a gas station. Yes, a gas station. I had stopped to fill up my car with gas after a long journey in what felt like the desert.
As I walked into the gas station door to use the bathroom, the gas station morphed into a southern-style dance hall. A man walked up to me, put his arm around me, and whisked me onto the floor to dance with him.
I heard, “That’s how you’ll meet him.”
Over the course of the night, I was whisked through dream after dream, prophecy after prophecy, allowing all the goodness of my future to just reveal itself to me. And I remember feeling so grateful that this spirit guide or ancestor was sharing so many possibilities with me.
Suddenly, I was back in my bed, the guide sitting next to me, still holding my hand. And finally, I could make out the figure of this person, a woman, sitting next to me.
I looked at the hand holding mine and noticed that both hands—mine and hers—had the same cut in the same place.
As I realized who was before me, I heard, “I’m not just you. I’m your higher self. I’m your soul.”
As she released my hand, rather dramatically, she whispered, “You’re finally free.”
I was free from the ties of an old relationship.
I was free from the wounds that had been repeating themselves.
I was free from not just the betrayals of my life but from the betrayal of myself.
Because, listen, perhaps someone or many someones betrayed me (or you), but if all relationships are reflections of us (which is a truth I learned from the soul), then the only person who betrayed me was me.
I had abandoned myself.
I had forgotten who I was.
I had disconnected from my soul.
And in this lifetime, I am choosing me, holding me, and soothing me, first. I am now the divine mother and divine father to myself. I am finally the love of my own life.
And the night before Cacao ceremony, I heard the call to scrap all my story plans and share that story in person. I heard the call to bare my most vulnerable self to finally seal the kind of freedom and joy and safety that I feel within me.
And if you listen to your own soul, you can do that for you, too.
About five weeks ago, I heard a call from my body and soul to let go of a place and lifestyle that was not aligned with my higher self, with my soul.
Just ten days ago, I left.
I have felt all kinds of feelings since leaving my tiny place by the sea—the tiny place that is likely the real hero of this part of my story—but mostly, I feel free.
Now I’m not gone for good. I return to another spot on the sea for the summer, a spot in which I will heal an ankle injury and allow the next phase of my life to begin to unfold.
And in this part of the story, I am free.
I am not tied to a mortgage or a lease or one definition of home.
I am not tied to a person or place.
I am not even tied to what I will eat for dinner or where I will work out.
I am living in the magic in real time, allowing the soul to guide me from moment to moment, from one chunk of life to the next chunk of life.
I am only planning as far out as the soul will allow, as this body will allow, as the magic of my life is willing to meet me.
But I’m excited for the not knowing.
On the day that I moved all my belongings into storage and left my tiny place by the sea, I drove out to the Berkshire Mountains to stay with a friend, rest, recuperate, and just bathe in all that had unfolded.
During my drive west, I sent a voice memo to a friend who offered to presence whatever I was feeling on the big day.
Here’s an excerpt from that voice memo, edited for clarity and anonymity—
“Hello, sweet friend. It's Maggie.
You know, I've been wondering what I would say to any of my friends as the day progressed. Because I know it's been a little bit wild and synchronistic and beautiful and all the things, right?
I am about forty five minutes into my journey to the Berkshires. I should be there around six. And I'm feeling like I’m on my way toward freedom.
Not 100%, right?
There have been tears today that just kind of like pop up out of the blue, when I just let the body feel them and sit with them and allow them to kind of like ease into the body and leave the body, if they want to.
It's been hard to eat today. But I did finally have a sandwich at lunchtime.
You know, I think the body just wants to have this experience. I was happy to leave that apartment, but also tender and sad.
And lots of wild things happened today.
Like I got to my storage unit and it wasn't temperature controlled as they had stated it was. And my mover, Juan, who moved me after my divorce—he is Colombian and my family has Colombian lineage—he said he had a storage facility and offered, “Do you want to put your stuff in my air conditioned place instead?”
I said, “Yes” and we drove to there.
As it turns out, his storage unit is only 20 minutes from where I'll be living so that was synchronistic. He offered to bring me some of my things while I was healing and recuperating, which was very sweet.
And then, women have shown up for me today. In really beautiful ways.
And, you know, they say that when you're thinking about what your vision is or what your desires are or what you want, it's important to feel it in the body in order for you to manifest it, to bring it to life.
And the feeling I wish for is somewhat similar to this feeling—like feeling free, feeling liberated, feeling not tied to a place that was no longer what I needed—and moving into a place where I'm going to be supported enough to have ankle surgery.
I can tell you so many other things, but I'm not going to make this too long.
Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for helping me. Your duffel bag was the perfect size for all of my socks and such. So it's with me and at the right time, I'll get your duffel bag back to you.
I'm so grateful to know you. And to know you're on the other side, listening, and to know that you're thinking of me.
Recently, I was telling a friend that I really like… that I really feel like it's in the last six months that my community, the local women in my life, have illuminated themselves.
I was praying six months ago for local women, for people who would get me and be willing to see all the parts of me, even the complicated parts, even the parts that struggle.
I've had to be, I had to be perfect for a long time. And I just thank you for being in my life. Thank you for your help and support over the last couple of weeks. I won't forget it. And I don't take it lightly.
And as soon as I land in some beautiful place in six months or something, you better get on a plane to come see me. We can just be bums and eat tuna fish on crackers with creme fraiche as a meal. And then, go take a hike because I'll be able to do that. I have my hiking boots and my hiking poles with me.
So alright, that's long and enough. No rush on a reply of any kind, ever. Take good care. Bye.”
I want to end this series with a soul message that came through in a fire ceremony last year. I offer it to all the sweet soul family members who join one of my circles or ceremonies.
The message is this—
“Love and abundance and soul clarity and good health and new opportunities and whatever else anyone around this circle wishes for will meet you to the capacity, to the willingness, to the depth, to the ability, that you are able to meet yourself.
And I hope you are able to meet yourself today.”
